i wish i could be strong enough to get through this with out depressing posts every night, but i'm not..and though it doesn't change anything, ranting about it and just writing it all out here almost helps a little bit.
i don't think i've even felt the worst of it yet. because i haven't even been able to wrap my head around the fact that all i wanted for my future is now gone, like, absolutely gone and i have no hope of getting it back this time. it hasn't even fully hit me yet..and that's what scares me even more.
it's ridiculous how much i just want to talk to him. no matter what we're talking about. we talked earlier, and he basically was telling me the same thing he'd already told me..and it kills me to hear him say those things, but it hurts even more to end our conversation because everytime a conversation comes close to the end, i feel like its the last time i'm ever going to talk to him.
i really fucked things up. that's what drives me crazy. is knowing, that if i had just learned from my goddamn mistakes the first time, then i could still be with him. i learned my lesson, and i really had a change of heart, but it was too late and it's my fault that i've lost him. i cheated myself out of the best love in the world.
i would do anything. absolutely anything to be able to make things right again. =/
